A Strange Way to Meet

Warning: the protagonist in this story is a foul-mouthed, politically incorrect, Cranky Old Bastard. Please read on if you're not offended by that behaviour.

Many thanks to ZeroID for editing this story.

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Jerry was walking towards room 101 at the ANU for the weekly Internet Technology meeting. He'd sort of taken an interest in IT since retirement. They weren't a bad bunch of people and it got him out of his home. Maybe he'd meet some nice people. Andy was okay.

Jerry saw Andy as he entered the room and was about to say hi when he stopped dead. There was a man with a gun pointing at Andy. The gunman said, "Get out of here or I'll shoot him."

Jerry put up his hands and said, "Okay matey. I'm leaving. Don't do anything that you'll regret."

Jerry backed out of the room. He stopped when he could just see the door to room 101. He looked around. He was in some sort of entrance but he didn't know to where.

Jerry was wondering what to do when a group of teenage schoolgirls arrived. He overheard one saying, "Me and Felicity are going to the mall after this, do you want to come?"

Jerry was pissed off with the gunman situation and said, "Why the fuck can't you use English properly. It's 'Felicity and I are going to the mall'..."

The schoolgirl turned her back to Jerry and said, "Whatever."

An older woman, apparently the school teacher, asked, "Is there a problem here?"

Jerry said, "Yeah, there's some fucking arsehole with a gun down there holding my fucking friend as a fucking hostage so I suggest you keep these shitty little bastards out of the way."

Jerry saw the look of disbelief on the woman's face and shook his head. He looked at the door to room 101 and the situation seemed stable.

Jerry heard the school girls chatting. He heard the tail end of one girl saying, "... the colour of my panties."

The teacher said, "He did, did he?"

Jerry looked at the teacher. She said, "You foul-mouthed pervert," and poked him in the eyes.

"What the fuck!" said Jerry as he covered his eyes. He said, "That fucking slag is lying. I said no such thing and you nearly fucking blinded me because she's a fucking liar."

Jerry took away his hands and he could see but his eyes still hurt a lot. He blinked as he took a good look at his assailant.

The woman was slim, probably about his age, but it was hard to tell nowadays. She was quite beautiful. She had brown, wavy hair cut short. She probably had makeup on, but it was hard to tell. He didn't like too much makeup on a woman. She wore a knitted dress. It was modest but it fitted her tightly. He could see the outline of her breasts. She was small-breasted but still curvy.

The woman bit her bottom lip and seemed to calm down. Jerry, on the other hand, was pissed off. He knew it was wrong to hit a woman but there was a gunman to whom he could rent his anger. He said, "That does it. That cunt had better be gone before I get there or he's fucked... and he'd better not have hurt Andy."

Jerry stormed into room 101 and headed straight for the gunman. The gunman said, "Stand back or I'll shoot you."

Jerry kept walking and said, "That'll be fucking hard while you're pointing your gun at him."

The gunman seemed to panic and pointed his gun towards Jerry. This was exactly what Jerry wanted. He didn't want Andy to be hurt by Jerry's actions but he didn't care if he was hurt.

The gunman didn't have time to shoot. Jerry grabbed the gunman's wrist and twisted it. The gun discharged away from Jerry. Jerry punched the gunman in the jaw. Jerry heard a satisfying crack. He hoped that he'd broken the gunman's jaw and not just dislocated it. Jerry then kneed the gunman in the groin. The gunman buckled over and groaned. Jerry used both hands to take the gun away from the gunman. He then kicked the gunman in the back of the knee and forced the gunman to the floor. Jerry kicked the gunman's hip and the gunman rolled over, face down.

Jerry sat on the gunman's back, just above the gunman's buttocks. Jerry couldn't work out how to release the gun's magazine so he pulled the gun's mechanism several times until it was empty of bullets.

Jerry threw the empty gun towards the door. He then pulled the gunman's shirt down his arms and tied up the gunman's wrists with the shirt's sleeves.

Jerry looked at Andy and asked, "You okay mate?"

"I... I don't know..." answered Andy.

"You look a bit pale mate, why don't you sit down?" said Jerry.

"Yeah..." said Andy and sat on the floor. He leaned against the wall but still looked pale to Jerry.

Jerry noticed that the gun had landed near a beautiful pair of legs. He looked up, still rapidly blinking, and saw the school teacher who asked, "I... I heard a gunshot. Are you okay?"

"Yeah," answered Jerry, "Though my eyes still hurt like fuck."

The teacher approached Jerry and said, "I've had basic first aid training. I can look at that for you."

"No fucking way," said Jerry, "Though Andy doesn't look well. Can you have a look at him?"

"Yes," said the teacher and approached Andy.

Jerry saw, through blinking eyes, her calves tighten as she squatted next to Andy. Did he see the straps of suspenders? He shook his head and concentrated on what to do as he still sat on the gunman.

Jerry remembered his phone, he didn't use it much, and rang triple zero. When a woman answered, he said, "My name is Jerry Carmichael. I'm in room 101 of building 10, the IT building, at the Australian National University, Canberra. A gunman was holding my friend, Andy, at gunpoint but we managed to unarm the gunman. You'd better send the police over ASAP 'cause I don't know how long we can hold him... And you'd better send an ambulance Andy's not looking very well."

Moments later the police arrived and told everyone to get on the floor. Jerry said, "He's the fucker you want," as he pointed to the gunman.

The officer yelled, "EVERYONE GET ON THE FLOOR NOW!"

Jerry threw himself, face down, onto the floor. The teacher did the same, whereas Andy just fell sideways. The police rushed into the room and covered each person with their guns.

Jerry and the teacher faced each other. Jerry could see, through rapidly blinking eyes, that she was very beautiful. He gave her what he hoped was a reassuring smile and she smiled back.

A policeman asked, "What are your names?"

Jerry said, "Jerry."

The teacher said, "Mary."

Andy gasped, "Andy."

The gunman said, "Callum. He's the gunman. He hit me..."

"Shut up," said the policeman and handcuffed Callum. He let the others get up, except for Andy who still lay on the floor, and let the paramedics into the room. He said, "We had to make sure that we had the right gunman."

"What, there's more than one?" asked Jerry.

"No," said the officer, "sometimes there's confusion about who did what but we know that Jerry called triple zero. Jerry mentioned that Andy was the hostage and we knew that the scheduled meeting was cancelled because a student called Callum threatened to kill his lecturer, which cancels out Mary as the gunman."

"Yeah, I suppose so," said Jerry, "but she's still a force to be reckoned with."

A female ambo said to Jerry, "Are you okay?"

Jerry answered, "You'd better see to Andy first, he doesn't normally look that pale."

The ambos looked at Andy. They laid him down on his back and gave him oxygen and a needle. Jerry asked, "Is he going to be alright?"

The female ambo answered, "He's suffering from shock and his heart is palpitating. We'll keep him in hospital for a couple of weeks under observation," She then asked, "Are you okay?"

"My eyes feel like fuck," answered Jerry.

The ambo said, "Let's have a look," as she gently pulled Jerry's hands away from his face. She shone a torch into Jerry's eyes.

Jerry flinched and said, "Fuck, are you trying to blind me?"

"No," answered the ambo, "but your eyes look like someone's had a good go at it."

"Yeah, tell me about it," said Jerry as he looked in Mary's direction. He had the satisfaction of Mary looking guilty.

"Let's get you to the hospital," said the ambo, "I think that you'll be there for a couple of weeks. You can keep your friend company."

"No hospital," said Jerry, "I'll be fine. People die in hospitals. I don't want to go there."

The ambo said, "Okay... I'll call an ophthalmologist for an emergency appointment. Maybe she can fit you in."

Mary approached Jerry while the ambo made the phone call. She said, "I'm sorry about your eyes."

"And so you fucking well should be," said Jerry, "Why the fuck did you listen to that fucking slag instead of me?"

Mary bit her lip and said, "I asked Felicity if you did say that about her and she admitted that she lied."

"Oh, no shit," said Jerry, "What did she say I said?"

"Um..." hesitated Mary, "She said, that you said, that you wondered if she would show you what coloured panties she was wearing."

"Bullshit," said Jerry, "I didn't say that."

"Well, I know that now," said Mary, "but you can understand how upset I was at the time. You were swearing, a lot, and hanging around the female toilets."

"Upset enough to fucking blind me?" asked Jerry, "And what do you mean the female toilets? There was no sign."

"No," said Mary, "It was the back entrance to the ladies."

Jerry calmed down a bit and said, "Yeah... I suppose you could be upset. You've got some sort of duty of care to the little bastards, haven't you."

"Yes," answered Mary.

The ambo returned and said, "Doctor Mossman will see you this afternoon. Do you have anyone who can drive you over to Barton?"

"Um... no," answered Jerry, "I'll make my way there."

"No you won't," said the ambo, "You could have an accident."

"I'll drive him," said Mary.

"What?" said Jerry, "You want another fucking chance to finish the job?"

"No..." said Mary. She then said to the ambo, "I'm the one who poked him in the eyes. I feel that I should do something to make amends."

The ambo nodded with a smile on her face and said, "Yeah, I thought so.

"Here's the address. Doctor Mossman will be there until 6pm. You should be able to get there well before then," She then helped the other ambo with the trolley to wheel Andy out to the ambulance.

Mary approached a female officer and asked, "I need to take Jerry to see a doctor. Could you please make sure that my thirteen students get onto the bus and get back to the Girls Grammar School?"

"Of course," answered the officer.

Jerry said under his breath, "Girls bad grammar school."

Mary said to Jerry, "Where are your keys, I'll drive you to see Doctor Mossman?"

Jerry reluctantly gave Mary his keys. She held his hand and said, "Come on, let's get this over with."

~~~

"You'll need to keep your eyes covered for two weeks," said Doctor Mossman after examining Jerry, "Do you have someone who can look after you for that period?"

"I'll be alright," said Jerry.

Doctor Mossman looked at Jerry and sternly asked, "Who's going look after you?"

Jerry didn't answer.

Doctor Mossman asked, "Do you have any friends or relatives who can look after you?"

Jerry looked at the floor, or he would have if he didn't have the bandage over his eyes that Doctor Mossman had wrapped around his head. He answered, "No."

"Then you'll have to stay in hospital," said Doctor Mossman.

"No hospital," demanded Jerry.

Mary said, "I'll look after him."

"No," said Jerry, "She just wants an opportunity to finish the fucking job?"

Mary said, "I'm the one that poked him in the eyes so... I'll look after him to make amends."

"Okay," said Doctor Mossman, "He must keep the bandage on for the full two weeks. Make an appointment with my receptionist to see me on Friday two weeks from now. Any questions?"

"Yeah," said Jerry, "You'll have to go to school. You've got a teaching job."

"We've just started our two-week school holiday," answered Mary, "so that's not a problem."

"Well... it's a long drive to do every day," said Jerry.

"Where do you live?" asked Mary.

"Ainslie," said Jerry.

"Well that's just half an hour's drive from my place," said Mary, "I'll come over in the morning, look after you and then drive home once you're settled in bed."

Jerry tried to think of other reasons why Mary shouldn't look after him. Doctor Mossman asked, "Good, any questions, Mary?"

"No," answered Mary.

"Good," said Doctor Mossman, "I'll see you in a fortnight and we'll take off that bandage. Remember Jerry, if you take off the bandage it will take longer to heal and then you might have to go to hospital."

"Yeah," said Jerry, "I fucking remember."

Mary drove Jerry home. On the way, Mary said, "You swear a lot, don't you Jerry?"

"Bullshit," said Jerry.

"Bullshit is a swear word, Jerry," said Mary.

"No fucking way," said Jerry, "It's not a four-letter word."

"Shit is, Jerry," said Mary.

"But shit is... is shit," said Jerry, "It's a thing, it can't be a swear word."

"It is, Jerry," said Mary.

"Well fuck me," said Jerry.

There was silence for a while and then Mary said, "Fuck is a swear word, Jerry."

"Bullshit," said Jerry, "I mean bull... turds. It means fornication under carnal knowledge, doesn't it?"

"Yes," said Mary.

"Well then how the fuck..." said Jerry, "How the... how can it be a swear word if it's in the dictionary and has a meaning?"

"All the swear words are in the dictionary, Jerry," answered Mary.

"Well then I can use them if they're in the dictionary," said Jerry, "Jesus... frigging Christ."

Mary sighed.

"Now what?" asked Jerry, "Jesus and Christ aren't swear words, are they?"

"Some religious people would be offended that you've used the Lord's name in vane," answered Mary.

"Are you religious?" asked Jerry.

"No," answered Mary

"Fuck Christ for that... I mean, holy... fu...dging... mother...figger," said Jerry, "These are all the words that I use to express myself. I can't...

"Now wait a moment, I hear all these words on the TV so how can they be offensive?"

"I think you need to choose the company in which to use those words, Jerry," said Mary.

"Well good," said Jerry, "When this is over I'll choose the company that accepts swearing without discrimination."

"I... I don't find swearing offensive," said Mary, "but we shouldn't swear in front of the students."

"Well... I was out walking one day," said Jerry, "and as I went past a primary school, I heard the students swearing, so I don't think that they're all that innocent.

"Oh... by the way... um... thanks for volunteering to look after me."

"You're welcome," said Mary, "It's not that I've got lots to do over the school holidays."

"You're shitting me?" said Jerry, "You must have heaps to do. What about your husband or boyfriend?"

Mary sighed, "Unfortunately I don't have either, or both," answered Mary.

Jerry laughed at Mary's joke. He then said, "You've recently broken up with someone then."

"No," answered Mary, "There have been no recent breakups, or breakups in the distant past."

"Bullshit," said Jerry, "A beautiful woman like you? You must have a fuck load of men chasing you. Oh, wait... oh... are you a fucking dyke?"

"No Jerry," answered Mary, "but if I was, I'd find that comment offensive."

"Why?" asked Jerry, "I was just fucking asking."

"'Fucking dyke' is not how one would politely refer to a lesbian," answered Mary.

"What then?" asked Jerry, "A female queer, a carpet licker, a pillow princess, a cunt muncher, a..."

"No! Jimmy!" interrupted Mary. After an uncomfortable silence, Mary asked, "Do your parents swear a lot?"

"No," answered Jerry, "Well... I don't think so..."

"Did they use the words, shit, fuck and all their derivatives?" asked Mary.

"Of course," answered Jerry, "They were worldly."

May sighed. She asked, "What are your parents' occupations?"

"They were both in the Navy," answered Jerry, "That's where they met."

"Were?" asked Mary.

"They're dead," answered Jerry.

"Oh..." said Mary, "I'm... I'm sorry to hear that."

"Why?" asked Jerry, "Everybody dies. We need the population turnover. Otherwise, there'd be too many people in the world. There're enough fucking ignorant cunts already. We need them to die off as quickly as possible."

"Or educate them," said Mary.

"Yeah... well..." said Jerry, "I don't mean to be critical but you're not doing a very good job of educating those fuckers you were with today. Why can't you teach them to speak English properly? I'm no expert but I do know when to use 'I' and 'me' at the right times."

Mary sighed and said, "We're not allowed to correct them unless it's through their written work."

"Bullshit," said Jerry, "Fuck, when I went to school, you'd get the cane for speaking like that."

"Yes, I know," said Mary.

"Don't tell me you've had the cane when you were at school?" said Jerry.

"Yes, I did," answered Mary.

"The full six fucking cuts?" asked Jerry.

"Yes," answered Mary.

"Shit," laughed Jerry, "You must have been a pretty difficult student to get six fucking cuts. Not many girls got the cane, let alone six of the fucking best."

"Yes... well... that's the past," said Mary. Jerry laughed.

They drove in silence for a while until Mary asked, "Is this your place?"

"How the fuck would I know?" answered Jerry, "Sorry... that was uncalled for. You are trying to help me.

"In the centre console, there's a remote control. Press it and if the roller door opens then there's a good chance that it's my home."

Jerry heard Mary stifle a laugh and thought that she might not be such a stuck-up bitch after all. She said, "Well... it looks like this is your home."

"Do you prefer me to back or drive into your garage?" asked Mary.

"I don't give a fuck as long as you don't damage anything," answered Jerry.

Jerry heard the roller door closing and Mary said, "Wait there, I'll get out first."

Mary opened the passenger door for Jerry and said, "Okay, come on Stevie. Let's get you settled and dinner on the way."

"Stevie?" asked Jimmy.

"Sorry, that's a bad joke," said Mary.

"Oh, I get it," said Jerry with a giggle, "Stevie Wonder."

"It's not a very nice joke, is it?" asked Mary.

"No... really..." said Jerry, "It's fucking hilarious... if you're not fucking blind."

Mary asked, "There're two keys, a silver one and a brass one. Which is the one to get through this door, assuming it's your place?"

"Either," answered Jerry, "One's a duplicate of the other."

"A spare?" asked Mary, "But why would you keep the spare on the same keyring? If you lost your keys, you'd lose both?"

"Ah..." said Jerry, "It's complicated."

"Oh," said Mary, "We're in luck. This is either you're home or someone's in for a big surprise."

Jerry laughed and said, "The chances of both the roller door and the key working and this NOT being my place is very remote."

"Astronomical odds, I'd say," said Mary.

"Where to?" asked Mary after they entered a hall.

"Ah," answered Jerry.

"What about a cuppa?" asked Mary.

"Yeah, yeah," answered Jerry, "the kitchen's 'round to our right and then right again."

Mary made Jerry sit at the breakfast table. She asked him where to find the different items to make a pot of tea.

Jerry said, "Heat the teapot first and then boil more water..."

"I know how to make a pot of tea, Jerry," said Mary.

"Well good," said Jerry, "There's about a million fucking baristas all over the fucking world who don't have any fucking idea how to make a fucking pot of tea... And they try and serve you that English breakfast shit... or that fucking perfumed Lady Gray shit... Do they get asked to put perfume in their fucking coffee? No, I, don't, fucking, think, so, so why would I want fucking perfume in my fucking pot of tea. Some fucking cunt decided that good old black tea wasn't good enough and that they'd fuck it up with perfume. Fucking MORONS!..."