Chapter 05

Idris opened his eyes, seeing the deck still under his face. There was dry blood underneath him and he realized his face felt demolished. He tried to roll onto his back and tried to sit up again. He felt a hand touch his shoulder from behind and lurched away in surprise. He caught himself and then tried to look behind him.

Brynn was standing there, her hand stretched out to help him up. She'd clearly been crying. He took the outstretched hand and she pulled him to his feet. As soon as he was standing, she slapped him across the face. "What...did you do to me?!"

She was crying again and he couldn't look at her. He shook his head. "I'm sorry. I...I didn't know..."

"Didn't know?! You didn't know?! How could you not have known?!"

"Because. Because they told me...they assured me...that she was safe, that she was contained."

She was shaking her head angrily before he even finished. "No, Captain, I'm not talking about...her high and mightiness, whatever her name. I'm talking about stealing from me, stealing my...my...well whatever you want to call it!"

"Your gift," he offered, trying to help.

"YES! My...my gift." She made another angry nose and clenched her fists. "For so long, I...I was able to keep myself safe with it, but that's the last word I ever would have used to describe it." She shook her head again and turned away from him. "And now... I just never thought I'd ever know what it was like to miss it, to do anything...if I could just have it back." She leaned against the bulkhead, propping herself up with one arm as she tried to stay on her feet, but then he heard her sobbing silently again.

"I..." his hand came up and reached towards her, but he stopped, hesitating, paralyzed about what to do. "I'm...I'm sorry, Brynn. Please...I promise...it'll be alright. Not...not right away, but...eventually."

She spun around suddenly, yelling at him. "Alright?! It'll be alright?! How could you know what would be alright for me?! You don't even know me, Captain. I'm just...I'm just one more stray that you took in, who...who got hurt because she was with you!"

He shook his head, slowly at first, then faster and frantically. "No, no it's not like that! I swear!"

She stepped towards him, her fists clenched at her sides. "Isn't it though? Isn't it just like before?! When it came down to choices, you always seem to pick the one that does what's best for you. It's just like last time."

He was still shaking his head. "No. No, that's not true. This...this was nothing like-"

"She died because of you, didn't she? Because you made a choice. You chose...and then she died."

His eyes were wide with shock, and he felt himself step away from her as she got closer. "No. No, you...you don't know what you're talking about. How could you know? You weren't.... You weren't even-"

"I wasn't what, Captain? I wasn't there? I wasn't standing right next to you when she murdered me, because you chose to save yourself?"

Suddenly, Brynn's hair changed and then her face. Idris startled and tried to get away. He knew the face. It belonged to someone he'd tried to bury deep with his most horrible memories. "It was your fault, Idris. It is all your fault!"

Idris woke suddenly, gasping, his chest heaving and his heart pounding. He was drenched in his own sweat, and he felt consciousness suddenly crash down on him. His face was throbbing, and he felt like he was hurt in places he had never realized he had places. He tried to stand, cautiously pushing down against the deck with his hand as he pushed himself away from the floor. He staggered just as he got upright and crashed into the bulkhead, stretching his hands out in front of him to brace himself. His vision was blurry, and he tried to take in his surroundings. He saw Brynn, still unconscious, but also still breathing, lying on the floor where he had seen her last.

He sighed with relief and then felt like the floor was rushing towards him. He managed to stay on his feet and tried to grab the bulkhead with his hands, only managing to scrape his fingernails against the surface. He turned so his back was against the wall now, the cold metallic surface feeling like ice against his skin. He looked up, closing his eyes and tried to take a deep, shallow breath before he risked stepping away from his support.

He stumbled at first but recovered and managed to get his feet near where Brynn lay on the floor. He looked down at her for a long moment, trying to do a visual check. He found it difficult to believe what he saw, even now. Not one scrape, not a single burn, and no visual indication that anything had happened.

Then he felt his stomach drop. He had no idea what he was going to do when she woke up. What would he say to her? What could he say to her? Certainly not anything useful. He sighed again and then realized they were still on the landing ramp. It had been retracted and the only sounds he heard came from further inside the ship. The same, subtle sounds that filled his ship whenever he was off world.

He bent down next to Brynn but hesitated. He felt an aversion that he felt all the way to the deepest recesses of his body, an almost all-consuming desire to leave her there if only to delay the moment when she woke up again and flew into a rage at what he had allowed to happen to her. The fear and dread he felt left him petrified for a long moment, just squatting down next to her. Then he clenched the muscles of his arms, the shame and self-loathing he had felt for himself quickly changing, replaced with indignation and anger. Then he summoned the mental faculties to force himself to scoop her up off the deck to find a bed for her.

She was lighter than he would have guessed, and he hoped it would continue to feel that way until he could get something soft underneath her. He made sure to be slow in his movements, both to keep from waking her but also to keep from losing his balance and dumping her onto the deck. Once he reached the room that housed the spare racks, now long unused, he managed to stretch her out onto a bed without disturbing her. She was still breathing normally, and he could find no outward sign of distress on her face.

He shut his eyes and indulged in a long moment of relief that he did not immediately have to figure out what to do with her, or what to say to her. He backed out of the room and left. He was confident that she would sort herself out when she was ready, after she woke up, but now he needed to get to work on Attulanta.