Ground Breaking Ceremony 01

Ground Breaking Ceremony 01

Here's what I recently found out. Those gold-plated shovels that you see on your local news reports when someone is breaking ground for a new building or parking lot, that's right, they're rentals. I mean, I suppose you could buy one, but why buy a shovel that you can't really use, am I right? But they are really cool, even though they come with a small instructional sheet that says "for photo op only, do not insert into the staged berm of dirt" on white stiff paper that is lined with fancy gold designs.

And what was even cooler was how Timmy's mom, Mrs. Turner, the city of Middleton's deputy clerk, absolutely rocked a dress at the ground breaking ceremony, um, a contoured form fitting dress because I don't know much about the names of dresses, but the dress designer deserves a raise. I mean, pinkish red on the front and on the back, split with wide boarder stripes of deeper red down the sides worked for me. And it worked for Mrs. Turner too!

Anyways, I'm Jacob and in about a year and a half or so, the new building that they were breaking ground for should be where my test lab is located at from our aging headquarters facility and who doesn't like new stuff, right? Oh, I'm 23 and a test technician, but my supervisors have noticed that my value to the company exceeds my 2 years community college Associate Technician Degree diploma and I hope to hang on my hat on the test engineer coat rack for my experience by the time the new building opens.

Oh, and Timmy, in case you're reading this, I owe you an apology. Not for getting ready to hit on your mom, but for constantly referring you as Timmy since we're both grown now and since you've shacked up with your druggie girlfriend, so, I'm sorry Timmy, I mean, Tim.

[Later at the Champagne & Hors d Oeuvre's appetizers reception in the grassy park area]

"Hi viewers, Gale Storms from TV3 News, broadcasting live from the way over the top and extravagant ground breaking ceremony for a test lab building that will be barely larger than a post office building, but I'm happy that it's 3pm and I still have all of my clothes on. So, Mrs. Bentley, before I ask you a few questions about this weak ass excuse to toast and sip Champagne, mm-hmm, my sources have it that you're recovering from surgery, so, Mrs. Bentley, confirm it or deny it for my viewers, Mrs. Bentley, is it true that you recently underwent surgery to have teeny tiny pace makers implanted into each of your huge boobs to balance out the blood flow, hmm? Go ahead, Mrs. Bentley."

"(Giggles) well, Gale Storms from TV3 News, it was [hic] becoming a life-threatening blood flow issue and the doctors had blood flow issues in the examination room [hic], but I kept getting dizzy and light headed and ending up on my knees from being dizzy and you know [men], when a woman is on her knees [hic], they all want to break ground by breaking the seal of her lips [hic]. But to get back on track, Gale Storms from TV3 News, I'm healed now and today, mm-hmm, I'm taking more credit than I deserve for this new building now under construction in our lovely city of Middleton [hic], so, cheers people!"

"There you have viewers, just when you thought Mrs. Bentley's boobs couldn't be any more exciting, mm-hmm, modern medical science has invented teeny tiny "thump, thump, thump, thump" throbbing pace makers to implant into them! I'm Gale Storms from TV3 News, signing off for now because contrary to popular belief, I do drink on the job [hic] and the Champagne is flowing [cut Harold]."

"[Clink, clink, cheers, clink, clink, cheers, clink, clink, cheers!]"

"(Giggles) that Mrs. Benley and her Champagne parties, right Jacob [sip, sip]?"

"[Sip, ewe, sip] cheers, Mrs. Turner, especially this new facility should be where my new test lab is going to operate out of. And speaking of operational testing, Mrs. Turner, just what are the procedures and parameters that proves your dress works properly because I rewrite test procedures all the time, so?"

"[Hic] well, Jacob (giggles) now is not the time to become naughty with me, especially I'm the organizer second in command behind Mrs. Bentley and her pace maker throbbing boobs [hic], cheers!"

"Hi, viewers, Gale Storms from TV3 News, signing back on because I finally found Mrs. Turner, deputy clerk and second in command behind Mrs. Bentley, so, Mrs. Turner, Mrs. Turner, is all of this worth the extra annual $23 to the city's property tax base that the new test lab is going to bring in and since testing follows precise procedures, mm-hmm, tell my viewers if you're testing if you can get pregnant at 42 with this amazing party dress and then roll that right into your procedure for removing such a fine and form fitting knit party dress, go ahead, Mrs. Turner."

"(Giggles) well, Gale Storms from TV3 News, I can still get pregnant and the procedure for removing a dress such as the one I'm currently wearing is a time tested and proven procedure [hic]. And it goes something [hic] like "struggle, struggle with the zipper in the back without a man's help, roll off of both shoulders, push, shimmy, shake, push, shimmy shake down to the flare of hips, pause a moment to admire the value of the gym membership, slide over the flare of the hips, let gravity do the rest and then leg kick the dress up on the bed' and then challenge any male test engineer on the planet to rewrite that procedure better [hic], so?"

"There you have it viewers, the world's best ever step by step procedure for setting the hook, line and sinker into your man's drooling mouth that you're cheating with! Or make him pass out so you can slip out and cheat with a new and younger man, I'm Gale Storms from TV3 News, signing off again for now because it's nearing the 4pm hour and I still haven't been tricked out of blouse and a couple of guys are winking at me [cut Harold]."

Well, I briefly passed out.

"[Hic] oh, you briefly passed out, Jacob, just while I was explaining the oldest procedure on the planet since they invented form fitting knit dresses, so, are you breathing, Jacob? Would it help if I explained the slightly different procedure for when a woman in a knitted dress needs to use a stall in the Ladies room, because that procedure goes "grip, bunch up, pull up, grip, bunch up, pull up, shimmy and shake until the lower hem is over the flare of the hips, push the undies down, pause and giggle for how you're still able to wear the undies the younger women wear, pause again to ponder what might happen if a man were to force the stall door open right at the moment and then squat" and I'll just skip over how one eye stays on the tiny crack of the stall door at all times while squatting because, mm-hmm, a spying eye back might be there spying back, mm-hmm!"

Fine, I briefly passed out again.

"Also, Jacob, I skipped over eye spying thing through the crack in the stall door because I wouldn't know how to respond to that and because I just made it up, but I'd suck your dick if I knew it was you spying back at me since I figured out that you've wanted me to suck your dick since [hic] graduation, so?"

Well, I passed out again.

And by the way, folks, passing out helps smooths out the body's blood flow. I mean, not as smoothly as Mrs. Bentley's blood flow must be after her teeny tiny pace maker implants in her huge boobs must smooth her blood flow, but still, right?

"(Giggles)"

Also, dear Timmy, I mean, Tim, dude, your mom has turned the tables on me and she's hitting back on me back, so, I'm not sure what I'm sorry about anymore because I'm innocent and it's all legit!

[Dear dude, my girlfriend has me so hooked on her rec drugs that I can't even remember tomorrow, so, remind me about what we're talking about again yesterday]

Well then.

"Unfortunately, Jacob, some women like me refuse to use those blue fiberglass boxes [finger points to the south], but if you happened to have your employee ID magnetic card that opens the back door of your original building, mm-hmm, find me after I mingle it up a bit more and pose for a photo op while pretending to work the gold-plated shovel in heels, mm-hmm."

Oh, oh, I carry my employee ID magnetic badge that all the time! And my current broom closet test lab is located in the rear of the original building, which should work out just fine for me because..."

"Johnson, there you are, Johnson, I need some help because most of our employees are bumbling idiots because..."

Folks, my name is not Jacob Johnson. It's Jacob Jacobson, but the president of our testing and validation company, Mr. Burke, calls everyone Johnson if he doesn't know their real name and that's the way it is.

"Johnson, these bumbling idiots left the photo op gold-plated shovels in the rear dock area and I need a trusted employee to get go them because there's no ground breaking ceremony without worthless shovels! Also, how do I look in my casual clothing because Mrs. Johnson from procurement just gave me a wink and a smirk, huh, Johnson? Also, is Mrs. Johnson from procurement your mom, huh, Johnson?"

"Oh, Mr. Burke, for first of all, I've never saw anyone wear a necktie with a polo shirt before, so you could lose that for today and for second of all, Mrs. Johnson from procurement is not my mom because Mrs. Johnson from procurement is actually Mrs. Kramer from procurement and this might be a good time to accuse her of embezzling ink pens and paper pads from the office supply stockroom, you know, while inside of the office supply stockroom on the second floor, so?"

"[Removes perfectly matched polo shirt necktie] well, good talk, Johnson, now go get those ceremonial ground breaking shovels and be a good employee and peek an eye on Mr. Johnson, the security guard, to make sure he's awake. And, and, and, take him a plate of pigs in blanket appetizers and not just because he's always sticking his night stick in his mouth, but because that's his yearly bonus this year, so?"

"I'm on it, Mr. Burke and I'll slip our security guard, Wilbur Williams, a full snack plate of wieners, but listen, Mr. Burke, if a few of the ladies here at the ceremony need to use the restroom, I mean, those blue fiberglass boxes are a tad, um, well, there is a Ladies room near my work area, so, is it okay if I slip a few of them inside with my badge, huh?"

"Um, sure, Johnson, so, good talk and the office supply stockroom is on the second floor, right?"

And that was lucky for him since his wife, Mrs. Burke-Johnson, was probably up on the third floor in his corner office cooking the embezzlement books. LOL, with Mr. Johnson and another Mr. Johnson from accounting.

Oh, and I promise you, I never ever saw security guard Wilber, stick his nightstick in his...

"Ahem, Jacob, hi, um, I'm feeling a little foolish right now, but um, Jacob, listen..."

"Mm-hmm, hello, Mrs. Johnson."

Well, Mrs. Johnson was actually a Mrs. Johnson, Mrs. Judy Johnson. Joe Johnson's mom and member of the Middleton Chamber of Commerce.

"Just say it or ask it, Mr. Johnson and if your question is do I have a floor fan in my test lab that blows air upwards so you can practice and perfect your sundress blowing up when you lift your right leg to stomp on the novelty shovel because it's getting breezy out this afternoon, yep, I got that kind of equipment and but we don't have time for me to set up high speed cameras to capture the moment, so?"

"Well, dang it, Jacob, don't go calling me out, but I figure that I only have like two years more of my shapely thighs and my bubble booty because OMG, maintaining one's weight and figure after 40 is a lot of work! Also, I'll practice without my skimpy undies on and twirl a couple of times and reveal to you now that Mrs. Turner has a secret fantasy of getting caught on security camera in the Lava Java Coffee Shop parking lot dipping her head down under the dash and then rising back up while gulping a few moments later, mm-hmm, so, what's your response, Jacob, hmm?"

Pass! Or not pass! But my broom closet test lab wasn't big enough, so, the rear loading dock area would have to do.

"Hi, viewers, Gale Storms from TV3 News, signing back on live via my cell phone because for some reason, mm-hmm, Mrs. Johnson-Johnson from the Chamber of Commerce recruited my Harold the cameraman to video record the process of grabbing the novelty ceremony shovels from the rear loading dock area of the original building, mm-hmm! Anyways, Deputy Clerk, Mrs. Turner-Johnson, how do you feel about Mrs. Johnson-Johnson from the Chamber of Commerce and Mrs. Conners-Johnson from the bank sneaking off with Jacob Jacobson-Johnson to practice foot stomping the novelty shovels for the best staged photo op, go head because, mm-hmm, my live feedback female viewers have you pegged as being involved with test technician Jacob Jacobson-Johnson, go ahead."

"(Giggles) well, Gale Storms from TV3 News, you can tell your female viewers from your live feedback board that I'm not being pegged by, I mean, I'm not involved with Jacob Jacob-Johnson (yet) because like many of your female viewers, I'm practically, maybe, almost and totally still married to a dirt berm, much like the dirt berm we're about to fake shovel. Also (giggles), you can tell your male viewers from your live feedback board that, mm-hmm, your cameraman is sneaky and mm-hmm, some people use dental floss between their teeth and mm-hmm, some people use dental floss between their highly maintain booty cheeks and call it undies and that's why I don't have panty lines in the rear of this dress, mm-hmm!"

"There you have it viewers, you male viewers are jack(bleep) off for all of the right reasons and you women viewers should be jealous that Mrs. Turner-Johnson from the Chamber of Commerce and Jacob Jacobson-Johnson are having a 'friends with benefits' casual date tomorrow night at dusk over an innocent cup of Joe over at the Lava Java Coffee Shop because you're all practically, maybe, almost and totally still married to dirt berms and using battery operated coffee percolators, mm-hmm!"

"(Giggles) well, Gale Storms from TV3 News, since I can faintly hear the sounds of sundress blowing whirling and swirling breezy air and since I'm sure that my Jacob Jacobson-Johnson doesn't really have to dust blow off the novelty shovels, maybe we should sneak over to the rear of the original building and see if that whore, I mean, Mrs. Johnson-Johnson is not luring my man stud in with her ole "sundress blowing up in the breeze" while twirling trick, especially since she perfected that old tricked during the entire graduation party season just a few years ago, mm-hmm! Plus, I need to use the Ladies room, so."

[Whirl, swirl, breezy fan blown air, whirl, swirl, breezy fan blown air from the distance]

"There you have it viewers, we're about to video record a battle of the old tricks of a blown-up sundress vs. the old eye spying each other through the stall door crack, mm-hmm! I'm Gale Storms from TV3 News, signing off to edit the video footage for SFW or NSFW release."

Well, Mrs. Turner-Johnson, OMG, I mean, Mrs. Turner's trick won out and just like way above where I said I hoped to hang my hat on the test engineer coat rack, mm-hmm, now I can move from the sex in the Ladies room coat rack! Unfortunately, LOL, there is video evidence of that, but fortunately, LOL, they never put the guy's face in the video, so.

Oh, and my fan blown sundress test was an amazing success and it was so amazing that it should be a thing. A thing like at ground breaking ceremonies, at the park, while walking down the sidewalk or you know, like even anytime on a Tuesday or any other day that ends with a 'y' because..."

"Hi, viewers, Gale Storms from TV3 News, signing back on with a plea to any of my viewers who will be willing to bring me a sundress to wear for the ground breaking shovel ceremony that is scheduled to start within the hour, which levels out with the increasing breeze and I promise a nice surprise for your viewing pleasure, I'm Gale Storms from TV3 News and I hope to see you soon (giggles) and vice versus, goodbye."

End Ground Breaking Ceremony 01