How Christy Found Christmas Again

For the last three months, Christy had been almost back to her old self. She would never truly be that woman again, but at least she was trying. The six months before that, she'd been lost, lost in the house where she lived alone, lost in a life that had gone from happy to more agony than she'd ever felt before.

Surely living did not mean so much pain. It wasn't the ache of a muscle or a throbbing in her head. It was an ache deep inside what a poet would have called her heart, though Christy didn't feel the ache in her chest. She felt it in her mind, and she felt the agony all day long.

It would have been their first Christmas together. They'd bought an artificial tree and enough ornaments to hang from nearly every branch. The lights looked like tiny stars amongst the branches when the rest of the room lights were out, and there were enough of them she could see Ted's face when he kissed her before he left.

"I'll be back as soon as I can, but it shouldn't take more than hour. I'll just slip down there, reset the server, and come right home. Keep the eggnog cold and we'll toast when I get back. No peeking at your gift while I'm gone, OK?"

Christy hadn't understood why some stupid server just absolutely had to run on Christmas Eve. Nobody in the world worked on Christmas Eve, except apparently, the company her husband worked for.

An hour had turned into an hour and a half. Christy called Ted's cell phone to see what had happened. She counted ten rings before a voice said the party she was calling was unavailable and she would be transferred to voicemail.

After two hours, Christy tried again with the same results. She was mad then. They'd planned to begin a private tradition by exchanging presents and then making love on Christmas Eve. It was ten o'clock and they wouldn't have time to do much before going to bed. They had the four-hour drive to her parent's house to make the next morning, and they had to be there by eleven.

At eleven fifteen, there was a knock on her door. Christy looked through the peep hole and saw a police officer. She opened the door and felt tears welling in her eyes when she saw his face. He didn't smile when he asked if he could come in.

The officer began with, "Mrs. Hastings, I'm sorry to have to be the one to inform you of this, but your husband was in a car accident tonight. Can you come with me?"

Christy had leaned against the doorframe and couldn't move. She looked at the officer.

"Are you taking me to the hospital he's in?"

His answer stunned Christy harder than if he'd hit her with his fist.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Hastings, but your husband isn't in a hospital."

"My husband's not...no, that can't be. He's coming home so we can have Christmas Eve."

The officer looked at her with kind, sad eyes and his voice was soft.

"Mrs. Hastings...I was there. The EMT's tried as hard as I've ever seen them try, but they couldn't do enough. He passed away at the scene. The uh...the coroner needs you to make a positive identification."

The next week was a blur to Christy. She'd gone to the city morgue that night and seen Ted lying on a table. The officer asked if there was somebody she could call to stay with her for a few days. She'd called Kathy, her sister, at one on Christmas morning and through the sobs, had explained what had happened. Kathy had said she'd be there in an hour.

Christy was thankful Kathy had dropped everything because she didn't know what she needed to do or how she needed to do it. After talking with her until six that morning, Kathy finally got her into bed and told her to sleep, then called a funeral home and arranged for Ted's body to be picked up the day after Christmas.

On Christmas Day, she had cried on Kathy's shoulder most of the morning and sat staring at the Christmas tree while Kathy called all the other family members to explain why she and Christy wouldn't be with them. As Christy stared at the branches adorned with the colorful lights and the figures of colorful glass globes, angels, reindeer and icicles, she began to hate the tree, hate it because it was a symbol of happiness when she felt devastated. It was a sneering bright light in a world that had turned black. It was mocking the way she felt by reminding her of Ted and what should have been. It shouldn't be there looking so happy and pleased with itself, not when her heart had been torn out. She stood up, walked to the tree and pulled it over, then began stomping the lights and ornaments into shards. Kathy ran up and hugged her.

"Christy, stop. You aren't helping yourself and it won't change anything."

"Then take it down and get it out of my house. I can't look at it anymore."

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The minister who had conducted Ted's funeral had tried to explain it to her. He said sometimes things happen that seem cruel and that seem to make no sense, but they eventually do and always have a purpose. The funeral was supposed to bring closure so she could get on with her life. He said some other things about faith and moving ahead, but Christy wasn't listening. How could there be any sense in taking Ted away from her so soon. How could there be any purpose in taking him away on Christmas Eve?

Kathy had held her hand through the service, and at the grave. Christy didn't cry a lot. She was just numb. She still felt that way when Kathy got into her car and drove away two days later. She didn't feel the closure the minister had talked about. All she felt was alone.

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As the months passed, Christy began finding herself again. At first, she wasn't very talkative to anyone, and most nights she fell asleep with tears in her eyes and the question, "Why", on her mind.

At Kathy's suggestion, she reluctantly loaded up all Ted's clothes and donated them to a local charity. When she didn't have to look at them in their closet, she didn't think of him every time she went into their bedroom.

She'd felt better after that, so she spent a weekend collecting everything that would remind her of Ted and donated it as well. The only things she couldn't bring herself to part with were the diamond earrings she'd found when she finally opened Ted's Christmas gift, her wedding and engagement rings, and their wedding album. The earrings and wedding rings she put in a box and put the box in the back of her sweater drawer. The book of pictures and guest signatures she put on the top shelf in the coat closet in the hall. After another month, she'd almost forgotten them.

She had a slight setback on their wedding anniversary in June, but that passed quickly. By September, she was smiling again and joking at work. Nights were usually a movie on TV after dinner and then bed.

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On the first of October, Christy was shopping for groceries and turned her cart from the main aisle into the frozen food section. Her cart slammed into another, and once she'd pulled it back, looked up to apologize.

He was about her age, tall with dark brown hair and a kind face, and he was smiling.

"I'm sorry. I was looking at the frozen dinners and didn't see you coming."

Christy couldn't help but smile back and then chuckle.

"It wasn't you. It was me who wasn't looking where I was going."

"Well, I shouldn't leave my cart where it was, so I'm as just as responsible. Are you OK?"

"Yes, it was just our carts that bumped."

He smiled that smile again.

"Well that's good. You have a great day."

Christy smiled to herself as she pushed the cart. The man had made her feel good about herself in some way. She wasn't sure what that way was, but she felt happy.

The next Saturday, she turned her grocery cart into produce and stopped just before it hit another cart. The same man walked up to the other cart and put a head of lettuce in the basket. When he saw her, he grinned.

"It's you again. Are you following me or something?"

Christy felt the warmth on her shoulders as she blushed.

"No. We just happen to be in the same place at the same time."

He was still grinning.

"I see...So it was just a happy coincidence. How you doing?"

Christy felt even warmer, but his smile made her smile back.

"OK, I'm doing OK. How about you?"

"I'd be doing fine if I could figure out where they put the bean sprouts. I like bean sprouts on my salads and they seem to have hidden them somewhere."

Christy looked down the produce case and then pointed.

"They're up on the top shelf above the spinach and parsley."

The man walked down the produce case, selected two packages and came back.

"Thanks. I'd never have found them there. Say, there's a coffee shop next door to this place. Could I buy you a cup of coffee?"

"Why would you want to do that?"

He shrugged.

"Well, you helped me out, and you're a pretty woman. I can't think of any better reasons to buy a woman a cup of coffee."

Christy was hesitant because the man seemed to be completely at ease being friendly. Even when she was still single, most men had seemed either too eager to get her into bed or were a little backward. Ted was the only man who had been different. A little voice in her mind told her there weren't any other men like Ted.

"Oh, I'm kind of in a hurry to get home."

The man just smiled.

"OK. Maybe we'll see each other again some time and you'll let me. You have a great day."

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As Christy put away her groceries, she thought about the man, and then chastised herself for that. It had only been nine months since she'd buried Ted. Shouldn't she mourn longer, like maybe a year or two? Thinking about the man in the grocery store was almost the same thing as cheating on Ted, wasn't it?

That night, Christy called Kathy, and after talking a while about what had happened to each over the past week, Kathy asked her how she was really doing.

"Christy, you sound like you're getting along pretty well, but there's something in your voice that says you aren't. What's going on?"

"Nothing's going on."

"Yes there is. I'm your sister, remember? We grew up together in the same house and slept in the same bedroom. We told each other everything back then. I know when something's wrong with you. You have to let it out, Christy, or it'll just eat at you and drive you crazy."

Christy took a deep breath.

"I sort of met a man."

"Well that's great, Christy."

"No, it isn't. It's too soon for me to be even thinking about another man, isn't it? I mean, what would other people think?"

Christy had expected Kathy to say yes. Kathy didn't.

"Christy, that depends on you. How much do you like this guy?"

"I don't know if I feel anything. It just feels like I'd be forgetting about Ted if I let the man buy me a cup of coffee like he wanted to."

Kathy chuckled.

"That's all it was - a cup of coffee? I thought you were sleeping with somebody."

"No, that's all...just a cup of coffee."

"Well, I don't see how having coffee with some guy means you're forgetting about Ted."

"He said he'd ask me again sometime. Should I say yes?"

"Christy, if I lost Jack, I'd wait until if felt right to me, not until somebody else thinks it's right. Life is too short to worry about what other people think. You need make sure this guy or any others are good men, but you need to follow your heart."

When Christy hung up the phone she thought Kathy hadn't been much help. She'd been hoping her sister would tell her another six months or a year would be an appropriate time to mourn. When she thought a little more about that, she realized part of the problem was she was afraid to get close to another man. It wasn't so much that it would feel like cheating on Ted. The problem was if she found a man she liked and then lost him, it would be more than she could take.

The next Saturday, she went grocery shopping two hours later than normal. She told herself she needed to finish up her house cleaning before she went, but deep down she knew it was to avoid meeting the man again. As she pulled a shopping cart from the row at the door, she felt relieved. She wouldn't have to make the decision today because he'd already be done shopping and gone.

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As Christy reached as high as she could for two-liter bottle of soda, she wondered why the store put them so high. She could just reach the bottle, but couldn't lift it high enough to pull it out of the rack. She put the toes of one foot on the bottom shelf and tried again. By pushing up with her toes, she got the bottle out of the rack and had started to step down when her foot slipped off the bottom shelf. The combination of the sudden drop and the weight of the soda bottle threw her off balance, and she started to fall. She grabbed at the shelf in front of her but was already too far away. Her shriek of fear was cut short by the two hands under her armpits that stopped her fall. The hands pulled her upright and then let her go. Christy heard a familiar voice say, "Why is it we keep meeting in these really weird situations?"

It was him, and he was smiling that smile that made Christy smile back. She also knew she was blushing.

"I don't know, but we seem to."

"Are you all right?"

"Yes, I am now. If you hadn't caught me, I wouldn't have been."

"Are you all right enough for that cup of coffee I offered last time?"

Kathy's words of advice flashed through Christy's mind. Did this feel right to her? She didn't know, but like Kathy had said, it was only a cup of coffee. She could see how she felt about that, and if she didn't like it, she wouldn't do it again. If she did...Christy stopped thinking before she had to answer that question to herself.

"I think I could use a cup to settle my nerves a little, but I need to finish my shopping first."

He grinned and extended his right hand.

"I guess I should introduce myself then. I'm Brian, Brian Ward."

Christy put her hand in his.

"I'm Christy, Christy Hastings."

He smiled that smile again.

"Looks like we're about in the same place. I'll just follow you and once we check out, I'll help you load your car. Then we'll have that coffee.

It seemed odd to Christy that it seemed so familiar shopping with Brian. It was almost like when she and Ted had shopped together except Brian had his own cart. Other than that, it was much the same. Brian kept asking her what she thought about this price or that brand of something he was thinking of buying. She would either tell him there was another brand just as good at a lower price or that the particular brand was the one she always bought.

Having him help her load her car was a little weird too. Brian took all the plastic sacks and arranged them in the back of her minivan so nothing would fall over or be crushed by something else. That's what Ted had always done. With Ted, she'd always thought it was a little overkill. If she was by herself, she just stacked things as they came out of the cart and sorted it all out when she got home. She asked Brian why he did it the way he did. He just laughed.

"You haven't been around many engineers, have you? Some people call engineers obsessive, but we just think we're organized. The way I put things in your car, your potato chips won't get turned into potato crumbs, and your bread will still look like bread when you get home."

Brian went to load his groceries into his car. Christy didn't think about why she went with him. She just did. Once his stuff was stacked neatly in the back of his SUV, he turned to her and smiled.

"OK, ready for that cup of coffee now?"

As he walked beside Christy on the way to the coffee shop, Brian's thoughts were mixed. He liked this woman for some reason and he'd liked her since the day she'd run her cart into his. The mix of thoughts was because he didn't know why he liked her. He didn't know anything about her except her name, that she didn't watch where she was going very well, and that she wasn't very tall.

It wasn't how she looked either, though he could appreciate her soft, rounded figure, a face with a sensuous mouth, eyebrows that arched into a small, pert nose, and the long brunette hair that fell in waves over her shoulders. No, it wasn't how she looked, or how her hazel eyes seemed to sparkle when she smiled at him. He didn't know what it was, but it was something, a something he hadn't felt since Judy. He needed to know Christy better, if only so he could have that feeling again for a while.

Brian paid for their coffee and then ushered Christy to a small table by the window. For a while he didn't say anything. Relationships outside of work didn't come easily for Brian because he never knew what to say to people. It was even harder to talk with women and especially so now. He looked at Christy to see if she was doing anything that might give him an idea. She just smiled.

"So, Brian, are you always this talkative after you buy a girl a cup of coffee?"

He looked sheepish.

"Well, I don't know you very well, so I don't know what you like to talk about."

Christy smiled.

"I haven't had coffee with a man since...for quite a while, so I don't know what people talk about now either. Maybe you could start by telling me what an engineer does."

This was better, Brian thought, and launched into what amounted to a job description.

"I work for an architectural firm, and I design the structural steel for buildings. I have to do all the calculations for snow and wind loads so the roofs won't blow off or fall in. Once the contractor puts up the steel, I have to inspect it to make sure he's done it right. You're probably thinking that's a pretty boring job, aren't you?"

"No, not at all. It's more exciting than being a department manager for a retail store. All I do is look at computer reports about what sells and what doesn't, and then order more of what's selling and put the other stuff on sale."

"Which department store?"

Christy told him the name and Brian smiled.

"I did the steel for that building."

"You did? Wow. It's a big place, and you designed everything?"

Brian chuckled.

"No, just the steel. That's the H-beams that go from the floor to the roof, the roof girders and joists, and the girts for the walls. You can't see any of my part because it's covered up by the wall coverings and the dropped ceiling."

"Oh, I see. Well, you must have done a good job, because the roof hasn't blown off or fallen in."

The conversation died for a few seconds. They both sipped their coffee because neither one knew what to say next.

Finally, Brian sat his cup on the table. Maybe if he asked Christy something about herself it would go better. Talking about being an engineer sure hadn't gone well.

"Christy, how did you get to be a department manager?"

Christy shrugged.

"Just luck, I guess. I started out as a cashier. I had to check people out and at the end of the day, restock and arrange the displays. It wasn't hard, and it was a little boring sometimes, so I started trying to arrange everything like I'd want to see it. Sales got better then and my boss noticed. She moved me up to assistant manager, and told me to go back to school. I did and got a degree in Business. When she got promoted she recommended me for her job."

The conversation died again. After sipping his coffee again, Brian tried another tack.

"So, what does a department manager do when she'd not managing her department?"

Christy shrugged.

"Not much, really. I read a little, watch TV, clean my house, stuff like that."

"Surely there's something you like to do for fun."

Christy had to think a little before answering Brian. Yes, there were things she had liked to do with Ted. She liked the days they'd spent on the beach at the lake. Ted had liked those days too, because she wore a little bikini. He liked her in the bikini so much she had trouble keeping his hands off her.

She liked just walking through a park in the fall when the leaves turned colors. She and Ted would hold hands and watch the kids play in the leaves. She'd felt good with Ted holding her hand, happy and excited about the future. They talked about having kids when they were settled down a little more, and that made her feel warm inside.