Illusions

This story is based on the song of the same name by Cypress Hill. It's my interpretation of the song's meaning. I took poetic licence with the ending and used another of their songs, One Last Cigarette as an ending. There is no sex in this story but it's not for younger eyes due to the type of story it is. Inspiration for the story was very much in the vein of Boyz 'n' The Hood. Now I don't pretend to know the area these rappers are from but the picture they paint is how I've tried to paint this story.

Please listen to Illusions by Cypress Hill to see how you think the story relates.

Thanks for reading.

*****

The bitter smell of burned clutch and rubber hung in the air thick and heavy like a wet blanket hanging on a line. A faint scent of cordite pierced the choking fog. I wasn't hit. It was impossible but I wasn't hit.

Without thinking or looking I slammed my foot hard down trying to push the pedal through the floor there were cars in front trying to do the same writhing down the road like a metal snake trying to slither away from a bird of prey.

"This shit is getting too much. Every fucking night someone's getting jacked or killed. I think we got off easy, eh?"

She didn't answer. Probably too shaken to talk at the moment. I concentrate on not ploughing the into cars as we try to get away from the scene and the mugger.

"When we get home I'm calling Dog, warn him not to go down there no more." My eyes scanning the area trying to find the best way out.

She still wasn't talking. I look across to make sure she's ok, and my world falls apart. I see her lying against the door motionless, eyes open, staring through the windshield at nothing. Her white jacket is no longer just white but has a deep red detail.

I slam on the brakes and try even harder to push that pedal through the floor. My hands leave the wheel even before we come to a stop and reach over to her "TAYE!" I shout "TAYE! WAKE UP! WAKE UP BABY! TAYE! TAYYYYYE!"

She didn't wake.

I held her body in my arms for what felt like days. Kissing her head, cheeks, lips as if it might magically bring life to her, but after a while it dawned on me that she was no longer of this world and mine lay shattered ahead of me. I shut down, couldn't operate. Only my basic motor functions were running. I was breathing, my heart was still beating, my body was still warm while hers cooled by the minute.

I don't know how long it was. Could have been a few seconds or a week, but my internal clock had ceased to function from the point of seeing her lying lifeless beside me, feeling her limp and unresponsive, silent and still.

The blue and red lights seemed to remind me of Christmas in years gone by. While I held her tight in my arms, I stared as the lights bounced off of every shiny surface thinking about the last Christmas I'd spent with Taye. It was at my mom's house. We ate and laughed so much. My kid sister was there and she loved Taye. I watched as they played games together after dinner. Mom brought out a special gift for her 'nothing expensive but I thought you'd like it.' She said as we passed Taye this big ball of paper.

Taye's eyes were so bright when she saw it. They could have lit up a dark room. Her smile was so infectious just the merest mention of it caused anyone who knew her to smile. She tore at the wrapping to uncover a big white stuffed teddy bear. She loved her stuffed toys and mom thought it would be a silly fun thing but Taye didn't think it was silly. She loved it, fully loved it and started to cry. She stood up and hugged my mom tight saying all the thank you's she could. My sister Kea gave the teddy bear a hug and a kiss and they talked about names for him. For over an hour they sat together choosing names for this toy and I just watched them having fun together, entertained by their silliness and her beauty.

The noises around me were muffled. I could hear them but they weren't sinking in. I could sense there was tension but I was numb. When the familiar sound "click clack" came from my left. It was the same click clack I'd heard before the loud crack a minute or two earlier before everyone bounced. It half woke me. "GET OUT OF THE VEHICLE NOW!" Came a voice.

I slowly moved my head to look in the direction of the voice. "She's dead, isn't she?" My words looking for a denial to the truth I already knew.

The officer realised I wasn't armed and could see Taye in the passenger seat. He radioed for an ambulance, but I just sat leaning forward with my head on the wheel, her blood all over my hands, knowing she would never speak to me again, she would never laugh again, she would never enjoy playing games with my Kea again. 'Shit, what's Kea going to say?' My only conscious thought.

The police took me away while the paramedics took Taye. She was dead and so was I. She was gone but I was in limbo, still of this world but not.

I spent time in the station. How much time I couldn't say, my clock still hadn't reset. I stared at random patterns on the floor trying to make sense of them but no logic came of it. Similarly I tried to figure out why Taye had been shot but not me, again no logic came of it. "Louis Freese?" A voice called.

I stood up and the cell door opened. "You're free to go. Can we call anyone for you?"

I shook my head. "Where's my car?"

"Impound, it's evidence." The officer said bluntly.

I nodded and half walked half floated out of the cell, along a corridor, up a few steps and out into the daylight. It must have been at least 10 hours since the incident but I hadn't realised. In the time between being pulled from the car and seeing daylight I had been through a lifetime of memories as if watching the longest home movie. The time had also flown by with enjoyment at seeing her face smiling and hearing her voice laughing. I stood on the steps of the station as cops came and left, and all the while I stood staring at her blood on my hands.

I lived four miles from the station I was at. I wasn't sure how to get home so i just started walking. She was with me, not just in my mind but I could feel her walking next to me. Her presence was warm and made me feel happy. I looked across to the empty space and the warmth evaporated. All I wanted to do in that moment was shout, roar, scream at any gods who would listen and fight any titan they sent at me. I would have gladly died in battle if it meant I could be with Taye again.

After nearly three hours walking and finding myself lost three or four times I found my way home. I pushed my key into the lock but before I could turn it the door swung open. My mom stood there with a look of disgust in her face. "Where the hell have you been? Where's your car? I've been worried sick...?" The rhetoric was thick and free flowing.

I stood in the door way noticing my head twitching as she spoke. My mouth didn't say a word but my eyes poured my heart out. I fell to my knees and wept like a child. My mom shut up, realising I was covered in dried blood instantly knowing. "Oh my god. Taye?"

I just nodded, unable to form words, unwilling to communicate. Mom screamed and ran in as I was huddled in a ball on the stoop. This was my first emotional response to what had happened. It hit me hard, it would, it should. My brother came out to me and lifted my dead weight in to the house. I just wanted to lay down and wither away until I died myself. I'd have gladly given my own life if Taye could come back. She made people happy.

I stayed in my room for more than a day wanting to give up, considering ways to let go of life and join her, a shotgun, a noose, but I'm a coward and couldn't do it no matter how much I wanted to.

My sister came into me crying her heart out. She held her arms out for me so I held her. She was 9 years old, little older than I'd been when I met Taye, and had no concept of death yet. Her arms were the one place I found solace. This young kid gave me the strength I needed to keep my shit together. "What happened?" She asked.

I shook my head to tell her she didn't need

to know. She put her head against mine. "I'm always here for you. I know I'm only a kid but I'm still your sister."

I was awestruck. I fell apart again. I lay on my bed moaning in emotional pain as she sat with me stroking my head and crying herself.

A day passed, two days, three. My mom came in to me, fed me, updated me on proceedings. The funeral was going to be held in four days. I needed to pull my head out of my ass and stay strong, or at least as strong as I was able.

Days melted into each other. There were light hours and dark hours but I still had no concept of time. I didn't know what day it was. I was barely functioning. Mom brought food and I ate a bit but left most. My brother tried to distract me with football and movies but they were just pictures on a box. My sister was the only person who actually helped me. She loved Taye nearly as much as I did and she was hurting too. When she came in to me I managed to smile for a few seconds. Then I'd realise I was smiling and guiltily start crying again.

The anger I felt was building inside me. I could feel the pressure building and knew it was only a matter of time before it erupted. No one around me at the time was deserving of being in the blast zone when I went off so I left. When everyone else slept I walked out. I walked the dark streets of South Gate. It wasn't a place to be at night but I wasn't in the frame of mind to care. I couldn't take my own life but if someone else was going to do it I wasn't going to stop them, in fact I willed it to happen.

I must have been dragging a neon light stating that I wasn't to be fucked with because I didn't see a single banger on the streets. I wanted to blow up but there was no ignition source. I ended up walking through South Gate park and sitting on a bench. There were people here but no one wanted to fuck with the guy carrying the big neon sign. I watched the night people doing what night people do. Vagrants checking trash cans for anything they could use, cans to sell, second hand food to eat. Hookers plying their trade to men in cars as they passed by. Dealers selling rocks to addicts. It all happened openly and without thought of repercussion. I wondered how it might feel to be in their situations and if any was better than mine. No, probably not.

I walked for hours trying to find myself. There is no finding yourself when you are that broken. You are no longer contiguous. You are are shattered glass, spread far and wide. Each day finds you and offers you the opportunity to collect pieces of yourself, but it takes time and you may never find all of your former self. I was only at the beginning of the journey. A shadow walking through existence, rebuilding the jigsaw of Louis Freese.

I walked home having calmed the bomb within for now. I unlocked the door, my mother was standing in front of me. "Where did you go?" She asked quietly.

"I needed to get out and breathe. I could feel myself getting angry and I didn't want it to be at you."

"You can't keep it bottled up. You need to let it out." Her words rang in my ears like a bell buoy on a rough sea.

I moved past her before she made the bomb tick again.

"The funeral is at 1pm." The information stung as if delivered by a hornet directly to my heart.

Seven days had passed so quickly and yet it took an age. In my stupor I had missed how much else was going on around me. I hadn't eaten properly in days, I stank to high heaven having been too inwardly involved to consider washing. I took a towel and entered the bathroom, turning the shower on. I looked at the mess staring back at me in the mirror and holding a can of shaving foam began to lather my face. I shaved the growth away feeling a little better that the hair no longer irritated my skin. Once my face was clean I stepped under the hot water, my hands on the wall allowing the faux rain to do its work. After a while of letting the water rinse me I washed with soap. It felt good to be clean. My first step to becoming something that resembled a human again.

I rinsed once more and got out of the shower, my skin steaming, picked up the towel and patted my face dry. The feel of the fresh air on my clean face was, I imagined, like feeling a cool winter blast. Not that we really have much in the way of winter blasts in South Gate but I imagined that's how it might feel.

I dried and went to my room. I dressed in my black suit and waited. I had nowhere to be and no one to be with, so I sat. I had thoughts of Taye in my mind. Her soft lips, her tight curled hair, her smell, her voice, her eyes. Her eyes were always her defining attribute. So happy, full of life and yet my final memory was of her eyes, lifeless, unflinching.

There were no more tears left to cry. They had been replaced a by a strong and vengeful anger. The bomb began to tick again. I breathed deep to control it, trying to clear my mind and keep from exploding. "I've made breakfast. You hungry?" Mom Asked.

I'd eaten so little that I felt weak. I nodded. "Take your jacket and shirt off before you eat." She instructed.

I still wasn't thinking straight. I could have put shorts on until I needed to get ready but part of me just wanted to get today finished. I sat down to mom's scrambled eggs. The first bite reminded me of my first breakfast with Taye after our first night together. We'd been close for a long time, we grew up on the same block and our parents knew each other. We first met when we were seven or eight when she moved in. She was so pretty, all the local boys of our age wanted to be close to her but she latched on to me.

We spent most of our lives around each other, so when we turned eighteen we gravitated towards each other in the way that boys and girls do. Our parents knew we were going to end up together and were happy for us to be, so on our first night she stayed with me. Neither of us had been involved sexually with anyone else so we had no idea what we were doing. We fumbled and laughed our way through the whole thing. We had eleven years together as friends and seven months together as partners. Now I was going to spend the rest of my life mourning her, missing the only person I was meant to be with. "Louis, stop pushing it around your plate and eat it!"

I put the food in my mouth and more memories flooded back. I'd have eaten all the eggs in the world that morning because it felt in some little way that she was alive again but mom stopped me. "Save it for other days."

I didn't know if she meant the food or if she knew I was remembering. Either way I stopped gorging. I put my shirt and jacket back on then went out and sat on the stoop. Dog came by to say he was sorry about Taye and that he'd see me at the church. He told me he had something for me but it could wait until later.

We said our goodbyes and he left. He was my oldest friend and met Taye at the same time as me. He was like her big brother, always looking after her. When I started to go out with her he stepped back and let me look after her. He was no blood relation but he was still my brother.

The funeral was standard. I sat at the front with Taye's parents but didn't take part in the service. I was still barely functioning, trying hard to hold it together. It was a nice enough service but I wasn't there. I was with Taye in my mind trying to have a last few moments before she left.

The day was fine. Not great, not bad, just fine. Everyone left Taye's house at the end of the day leaving just me and her parents. "I'm sorry." I said to them. "I was meant to protect her and this happened. It was all my fault." I broke down again.

"Louis, you didn't pull the trigger. You didn't know what was going to happen. You couldn't have seen the future. None of this is your fault. All we can do now is move on." Her dad said as he put his arm around me.

He was very protective of his daughter and when they first moved onto our block he didn't like all the attention she was getting, but after a while he got to know me well and decided I wasn't so bad. We always got on and as Taye and I got older and grew closer he accepted me as her boyfriend really easily. I had a lot of respect for her parents.

I hugged her mom and her dad then left to go home. On my way I neared Dog's house, deciding to go in and see him. I knocked, and he came to the door "Nice service." He said.

"I think so." I said in return not remembering much. "I was distracted."

"I told you I had something for you." His voice became urgent. "We found who did it."

The bomb ticked again. "Who?" I asked with menace in my voice.

"His name is Raffi. He lives down Lynwood. He's a known jacker, and this isn't the first time he's taken it further than jacking someone."

"I want that fuck to pay." I said letting my anger show. "Meet me at mine. One hour!"

I walked home and in through the door. My mom saw the look on my face, asking me what was wrong. I shook my head but didn't speak. I took my jacket and shirt off throwing them on the floor. She could see the darkness forming behind my eyes. "You need help, son!" Came my mom's voice. "You need to speak to someone about this. You can't let it eat you up."

"I don't care anymore. I'm going to settle this."

I changed into jeans, boots, T-shirt and my 49ers jacket then left the house. I walked for a while until just before the time I'd arranged to meet Dog then back to my house. He was waiting for me outside in his impala. "I need a gun!"

He lifted his jacket showing me his. "Yours is in the glove compartment." We drove around Lynwood for hours but didn't see the guy we were after. We went for food in a burger place close by. "How long do you think it'll take to find him?" I asked, it was the second thing in my mind after Taye's smiling face.

Dog shook his head. "Mother fucker could already be dead."

I stared wild eyes at Dog. "I hope not 'cos I want him to burn!"

My anger was overtaking me. Mom told me to let it out, but it wasn't just dropping to the floor. This anger was sticking to me like glue as it oozed from every pore like resin from tree bark. Dog told me to take a break and leave it for a while. He could see the damage the anger was doing. I hadn't even come close to starting to find my pieces and the anger was starting to build a new me.

I went home, my family telling me they were worried about me and to please get help. Day after day they bombarded me, pushing me to speak to someone until in the end I screamed at them to "FUCK OFF AND GO TO HELL!"

All I heard were their criticisms, their worries and selfish considerations. My situation was clear to me. I had only one thing that I needed to do, shit was on the rise. My anger was growing and consuming me. I needed to find Raffie.

I'd always been a weed smoker. Where we come from it's how it is but now I was smoking constantly. Bongs, pipes, joints you name it I was smoking weed through it. I didn't touch other shit. They weren't my thing, but weed wasn't doing me any favours either. I was becoming paranoid. I was seeing his face everywhere. I backed off. My home life was turning to shit. I wasn't getting on with my mom, my brother wasn't speaking to me and my sister who was once my closest friend now despised me. They didn't understand where I was or what I was thinking but they knew where I was heading, one of two places. Jail, or dead.

One night Dog and I went to a meet. Cars, girls, food, beer. I noticed a hooker who looked like Taye. I went over to talk to her hoping it would miraculously be her. She was nothing like Taye but facially she was similar. As I took in the features I began feeling really shitty for comparing Taye to this cheap hooker. I walked away and as I did I saw Raffie. The asshole was pointing a gun as he approached a car. "Give me all your loot or you won't be going home!" His words aimed at the people in car as was his gun.