Pig Roast Prep 01

Pig Roast Prep 01

So, I'm Joel, I'm 22 and I have a quirky Uncle Phil and a questionable Uncle Stu and they have a third partner, who I don't even really know, er, Calvin, and the three of them keep somewhat busy during the warmer months on the weekends and are affectionally known as the Pig Roast Guys. LOL, and to be clear about the TV commercials that annoy my TV viewing pleasure, they are not the Flooring Guys or the Brick Paver Guys or the Concrete Raising Guys or the Fencing Guys or the Mobile Car Repair Guys or my personal favorite, the Lawn Care Guys. And they are my personal favorite because I actually went to school with two of the lawncare guys and I use their service. And then I guess that I once recommended the Fencing Guys because I somewhat benefitted from my kitty corner neighbors fence to block out the headlamps of the cars turning left onto Willow Street. The end, LOL, of the guys.

Anyways, the Pig Roast Guys, lines up with Uncle Ernie as being the pig guy with the cooker thing trailer and Calvin, the guy I don't know much about is the pig roasting chef cook guy and my Uncle Stu is the converted ice cream truck guy, who brings all the stuff that needs refrigeration and he brings it all. It's pricey, but they have all the pineapple rings, veggies, apples, coleslaws and pasta salads and what other sides you want and it's done. You pay, you show up, you party, you munch on pig and they take care of everything else and it's all done for a price.

And I assume that The Pig Roast Guys Plus One Lady took up too much space on the flyer because my Uncle Stu's wife, my Auntie Thelma, actually is the master of ceremonies, keeps the pig roast flow going, mixes the sides, collects the big fat checks and keeps the books.

Anyways, trust me when I say that I only got involved when I caught wind of the Madden's, the Milkins and the Millstones' idea of all going in together to host a 'recent birthdays/combo graduations/reason to mingle/opportunity to network/legit chance to wear a Denim mini or skin tight jeans and boots/just another reason for a Mrs. Bentley Champagne toast' party behind the Line Dance Club, whew.

And by getting involved, um, I started with my Auntie Thelma.

"Well, nephew, I usually don't give discounts because I'm used to living fancy, but since you're family and all and since these people are your friends, I might be inclined to give them a 10% discount and I might be inclined to add another 5% discount since it's three families of hubby's, I mean, three families of men, argh, I mean, three families and friends of people plus the normal Line Dance Club cowboys and I might be inclined to add on another 5% discount if you agree to pay no never mind to some things that you might spy with your little eye, so?"

"Ooh, ooh, Auntie Thelma, paying no never mind attention was my major back in school a few years ago and that's why I work at the factory instead of at the office complex! Also, exactly what am I paying no never mind attention too anyways?"

"Mm-hmm, dearest nephew, Joel, since this is a 'recent birthdays/combo graduations/reason to mingle/opportunity to network/legit chance to wear a Denim mini or skin tight jeans and boots/just another reason for a Mrs. Bentley Champagne toast' party that is being held behind the Line Dance Club, where shadows are a plenty and the restrooms are available for use and other things, mm-hmm, you just pay no never mind then, got it?"

"(Gulp!)"

"(Giggles) see, nephew, you do get it. Now skedaddle since your friend's have requested a few extra sides and things, mm-hmm and bring me those big fat checks, goodbye, Joel."

Well then, I'll leave that right where it is. LOL, in the center section chapter of a trashy bedside novel.

Anyways, I'm not saying it out loud, but I may have volunteered to gather up the three big fat checks and if Mrs. Madden happens to drop off, I mean, if any member of the Madden family happens to drop off their share of the cost big fat check, I mean, I might have a cold glass of ice tea ready to sip over a chit chat. You know, maybe.

And even though Mrs. Madden, as I remember things, has a fashion closet that stretches from east to west and none of it ever disappointed, as I remember it [tips a glass of ice tea], here's to hopefully what might be a nice Friday afternoon outfit, that falls between Saturday morning gardening shorts and blouse, um, er, well, here's to hoping that I don't be just all me and make things weird.

"(Giggles) you're weird, Joel."

"I mean, Maddie, I mean, Mrs. Madden, why would you say that, huh? Just because you asked me what my favorite color was and then I responded back with how clear is my favorite color, is that it, huh? I never said that my sexy pillow talk was my A game, so? Or my B game or even my C game, so?"

"LOL, no, not that, weirdo, that's the 5th thing that makes you weird, weirdo. I'm saying you're weird because I think you're trying to seduce me into being your party girlfriend tomorrow and I don't see that happening, even though we just had (slightly below) amazing sex in your bed. Now bury your head under the covers while I shimmy out of the bed naked because I don't quite remember how after sex behavior works and I don't want you peeking on me, so."

[Shuffles and slides out from under the covers stark naked]

You see, folks, how can one not peek when the woman you just had sex with, crawls out of the bed, stark naked, and casually sashays to the mirror to fiddle with her hair, mm-hmm, her sex hair, as she twists back and forth in front of the mirror, I mean, how does one not peek, right?

[Still stark naked, let the mirror gazing begin before getting dressed and the twisting back and forth is always the best part, um, the best view]

"[Pats that fairly flat tummy in the mirror] my tummy is still pretty flat for my age, right, Joel? [Pat, pat] and yes, I've been working out at the gym to get things back to where they were."

"[Non peeping hands locked behind head] it's what I think of as a girlfriend tummy, Mrs. Madden."

"[Twist sideways and cups the booty cheeks and bounces them] oh, please, Joel, you just gave my pussy a good work out, which I haven't had in over 12 years, so I think calling me Maddie now will do while we're in the bedroom. I mean [booty cheek hand cup bounce, booty cheek hand cup bounce], well, I guess I still need my high heels to boost my booty up, but still, right? Also, don't call me Maddie in public or at the party because, mm-hmm, that's girlfriend stuff."

"[Ahh, such a view] Maddie, I think your booty is amazing, heels or no heels, but there is always room for a comparison challenge, you know, like next time, when you bring it to the bed in just heels, okay?"

"[Still twisting and still admiring such a flat belly at 42] maybe I should shave a diamond down here, right, babe? Would you like a shaved diamond on my front for the next time, you know, when I bring it to the bed in high heels and just in high heels that have glass stud diamond shapes on the toes, Joel, hmm?"

"[Still admiring the view] Maddie, I mean, diamonds are a girl's best friend and all, so, I mean, like a solid diamond or a hallow diamond outline?"

"[Frames the pubic hair region with triangle hands] a hallow diamond sounds like a tough shave, Joel, but we'll see. Anyways, maybe I should sit top next time, just to see if your cock reaches all the way up to this point [finger traces a line across her fairly flat tummy, just above the belly button] or would it be too weird for you if I rode you cowgirl style like that, hmm, Joel?"

"[LOL, reaches under the covers for a measurement check] that would not be too weird at all, Maddie and that can be our Wednesday night thing! And since it's Friday, it's legit for us to make up for this past Wednesday that we just missed, so?"

"[Grips and bounces the girls because that's a legit mirror reflection thing to do by any woman at any time] well, let's not create a schedule just yet, Joel, you know, since I'm not your girlfriend and since I'm basically your mother's age (giggles), besides, I think Wednesday nights are best saved for tit fucking and mushroom tip kissing with every thrust, which I've never had the pleasure or chance to experience yet, so?"

"[Aha, aha, aha, aha] which still might put you on top, Maddie. And by the way, you can get back under the covers now because as you just said, what was it that you said, there are 12 years of sex to make up for and apparently, I just need 12 minutes to recover [boing, throb, boing, throb]."

"[Mm-hmm, Maddie Madden actually slips her non studded heels on] well, our time is running short, Joel [clump, clump, clump, clump] and I feel like I've neglected my girlfriend duties for not having sucked off your dick yet or sooner [clump, clump], so, swing your legs out over the side of the bed and let me do my girlfriend duties and let's see if my mouth is still what it used be because..."

[Oh no, the heat of the moment lovers didn't here the roar, vroom of a car pulling up in the driveway]

"[A feverish arm shaking] hello, Joel [finger snap, finger snap], snap out of your stupid day dream, Joel, because I just came from delivering the big fat check to your Auntie Thelma's and I'm freaking out, Joel! Joel! Joel, snap out of from snoozing on your front porch! Joel [snap, snap]."

"[Grump, mumble] oh, Madelyn, what? Also, start with what did you just say about delivering the big fat check that your mom was going to stop by and let me slip it to, er, I mean, the check that she was going to slip to me over a glass of ice tea, huh?

"Oh, mom mumble something about making sure that I left the check alone and she even safety pinned it to her slitted Denim skirt dress, but I ignored that because I saw her try on her side split almost mini skirt and she looks fine, like better than ever since she's tightened up her belly to flat at the gym. I mean, why my mom finger traced a line across upper belly is beyond me, but trust me, Joel, you'll have plenty of time tomorrow to see my mom in her Denim party dress at the 'recent birthdays/combo graduations/reason to mingle/opportunity to network/legit chance to wear a Denim mini or skin tight jeans and boots/just another reason for a Mrs. Bentley Champagne toast' party, you know, tomorrow night when a bazillion of other people will be around, so?"

So? Did Madelyn just say so? Didn't she peek into my day dream? Because I have so many reasons to argue that...

"And none of that even matters, Joel, because then, OMG, your auntie showed me the dead pig for my share of the combo party tomorrow night, Joel, the ding, dong, dang, dead pig, Joel and it's the whole ding, dong, dang, dead pig, Joel!"

"(Chuckles) well, Madelyn, that's just how they do it, but then what happened?"

"Oh, oh, oh, let me tell you what happened next, Joel, but first, let me finish up with, OMG, Joel, do you understand what I'm saying when I say it's the whole ding, dong, dang, dead pig, right, because it still has the head and eyes, Joel and it's like a shiny leather head!"

"(Chuckles) well, Madelyn, I mean..."

"OMG because the leather headed whole ding, dong, dang, dead pig stares back, Joel. And blankly stares back at that and it freaked me out! I mean, I thought a pig roast was like roasting pan full of thick pork chops, Joel, not a horror movie bad guy character!"

"(Chuckles) well, Madelyn, calm down and relax because that's how they do it and it's a part of show boating thing and not to eat (I hope). And you can search traditional pig roasts online and see that for yourself (I think). Anyways (chuckles), you're twice as hot when you're screaming upset and I can say that now that you're 18, just like I waited so long to say that your butt dimples are the best I ever saw, so, what happened next, huh?"

"Mm-hmm and we'll talk about your roving eyes another day, Joel, and I'll touch base on how you're four years too old for me, but that's not important right now because what's important and worse than a fricking shiny tan leather pig's head is just how am I going to explain to the R's, Rena, Rachel and Riquel, that my pig stares back and looks like a horror movie character and still battle the R's, hmm? Also, the dry ice guy showed up to stock the funky cooler truck with chunks of dry ice and he made a fuss over my booty dimples too, so, er, I guess you're not wrong about that, but OMG, the R's will never let me and the M's, live it down, if we battle them and our center stage piece is a whole ding, dong, dang, dead pig with blankly staring back eyes!"

(Chuckles) ahh, our youth, folks, right? And I can say that since I'm almost four years older than Madelyn and her M's.

"Madelyn, take a deep breath, sit beside me on the porch and hold please [tap, tap, tap, weep, a group text sent to the R's] Lady R's, the ding, dong, dead pig head is cool, right?"

"[Lightning speed responses.] Duh, it's a good talking point with cute guys! Duh, same and don't forget the big red apple in its mouth! Duh, same, same & the battle with Maddy Moo and her M's starts with tropical hair flowers!"

"Huh, well, Joel because, um, because..."

"Mm-hmm, hold again please, LOL, Maddy Moo! [tap, tap, tap, another group text sent to the R's] Lady R's, what's the battle with the pig roast grass skirts? Sandals or flats, right?"

"[Lightning speed responses.] Duh, most cute guys like to be taller! Duh, same, no cork wedged heels this time! Duh, same, same, & Pacific Ocean Hawaiian Blue eye shadow & nails for us!"

"Well, Joel, this is just getting worse than the whole leather headed ding, dong, dang, dead pig that stares back because..."

"Oh, you thought that I finished, Maddy Moo? Please continue to hold because your call is important to us [tap, tap, tap, and the battle continues group text sent to the R's] Lady R's, but no tacky sea shell bikini tops because of all the party old cowboy line dancer geezers and 'rents, right?"

"[Lightning speed responses.] Duh, old geezers are disgusting! Duh, same, Pacific Ocean Hawaiian Blue one-piece swimsuits with nipple coverup disks! Duh, same, same, & hoping the M's line it up for battle in Palm Tree Leaf Green leotards swimsuits, eye shadow and nails!"

"OMFG, Joel, because now, I need to round up the M's and go shopping tonight!"

Well, I had to get rid of, LOL, Maddy Moo somehow because I had more checks to collect.

"Oops, my bad, Madelyn Moo, I almost forgot [tap, tap, tap, a oops, I forgot group text sent to the R's] Lady R's, is the R's third "go to" flirt line have something to do with loins, I mean, pork loins?"

"[Lightning speed responses.] Duh, for cute guys! Duh, same, but for another cute guy! Duh, same, same, but for a different cute guy!"

"OMG, Joel, I mean, I mean, I mean, I have loins, I mean, when people talk about a woman's burning loins, I mean, they mean like [finger points sort of] near my..."

"Oops, please continue listening to the 'on hold' music please because all of our operators are busy, M [tap, tap, tap, a spill it text sent to the R's] Lady R's, it just got leaked out, the M's have low, low, low back cut Palm Tree Leaf Green swimsuit battle uniforms on lock!"

"[Lightning speed responses.] Grr, Madelyn Maye Madden & her booty dimples! Grr, dang it, even a dead pig would come to life for those sexy butt dimples! Grr, we'll battle back!"

"OMG, Joel, now I forgive you for having a snoozing boner when I first arrived and I swear it, if you weren't too old for me..."

"Thank you for your patience while on hold and an operator will answer your call shortly [tap, tap, tap, hopefully the last text sent to the R's] Lady R's, I heard cute guys like their chunks of pork sliced into bite sized pieces???"

"[Lightning speed responses.] Duh, guys like the attention! Duh, same, it makes them feel good! Duh, same, same and it's a good way to flirt with others at the servicing table! Also, LOL, all of the M's think you're cute, Joel!"

"Well, well, well, hello, operator, I need to know how this works! Confess, Maddy Moo Maye Madden, all of your social status battling friends think I'm hot!"

"[Slaps phone away!] Shut it, Joel, lots of girls think that you're cute because you are cute, but, ahem, you're four years too old cute for any of the M's and three years too old for the R's and two years too old for the G's and that's just how it works! But you're in a great position for a guy, so, um, goodbye."

Well then, I liked the idea of being in a great position, mm-hmm.

"Well, wait a minute, Maddy, so, you're saying there's still a chance then, right?"

"(Giggles) oh no, Joel, what I'm saying is that you're in a great fantasy position and that's all. I'm also saying that your nerdy friend, Conner, has a free pass for party photos a plenty without being his usual nerdy and creepy self and I probably should say, OMG, Joel your Auntie Thelma mixes coleslaw in just her lingerie and apron and it's not mature lady lingerie, goodbye!"

Huh, I did not know that. But I had two other big fat checks to pick up and the Friday daylight was burning! But there's always time for a challenge text, right?

"[Tap, tap, tap, weep, a group text sent to the M's] Lady M's, some nipple coverup disks have little holes in the middle, right?"

"[Lightning speed responses] ugh, those are sexy pasties, Joel! Ugh, same, but we follow Maddy Maye! Ugh, sneaky smooth move, Joel since I just left you!"

Well, we'll see. I mean, it's an after dark bonfire 'recent birthdays/combo graduations/reason to mingle/opportunity to network/legit chance to wear a Denim mini or skin tight jeans and boots/just another reason for a Mrs. Bentley Champagne toast' party and all, so, mm-hmm, we'll see.

[Vroom, vroom towards the Dental Clinic on the north end of the Strip and attempts to park]

"[Rolls window down] officer, what's with the traffic control barricades, huh? I don't have a dental appointment, but I have a reason to visit the Dental Clinic, so?"

"Oh, make it quick, sonny because we're taking control of the traffic flow in just about two hours because..."

[Wiggle and worm's way in between that conversation and shoves microphone into the open window]

"Hi viewers, Gale Storms from TV3 News, broadcasting live in front of the Dental Clinic on the north end of the Strip and I'm putting my first sneak attack interviewee on the spot! Sir, sir, sir, what's your name so my viewers can judge you and call you out for being the first Dental Clinic customer on the inaugural "Moulin Rouge" uniform teeth cleaning sessions as hosted on the 1st Friday of every month going forward and tell my viewers what you think of the today's color theme being sun burst orange, go ahead."

"Oh, Gale Storms from TV3 News, I honestly didn't know anything about today being "Moulin Rouge" uniform day [stuffs flyer deeper into shirt pocket], but, um, well, your viewers might be interested to know that your sun burst orange bra in quite visible through your white blouse and of a sexy lace style and um, my name is, um, well, people just call me, um, okay then (chuckles), I have to park now because that's what the police said I need to do, so, goodbye Gale Storms from TV3 News!"

"There you have it viewers, I've been called out, again, for color matching up with the theme of day. I'm Gale Storms from TV3 News, signing off this segment until noon when I can really call out a whole bunch of side eye hubby's and boyfriends who may or may not need a teeth cleaning appointment if it weren't for the "Moulin Rouge" uniform theme here at the Dental Clinic, especially since the two G's are the teeth cleaning assistant specialists and have legs made for garter belts, mm-hmm [cut Harold]."

Well, I was innocent, folks since I knew that I was there a couple of hours in advance of the inaugural "Moulin Rouge" uniform gimmick because as clearly stated somewhere above, I had another big fat check to retrieve and daylight was still burning.